Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?