Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
no refunds
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
This is me
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me