Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”