Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

I already tried new things thanks.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*