Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

I’ve been learning to cook.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?