Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER