Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.


Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die

You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?

Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them


Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan


On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.


I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us


Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”


“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently


People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.


Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up