Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
You Might Also Like
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot