[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
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Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.