Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”


Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey


Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist


Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]


I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone


For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties


I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.


COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.