Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.