Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

She: I like Cats
He:

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.