them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
this has to be peak English
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.