them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.