them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I think my mom just blocked me
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Time for evil
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate