Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

That’s no pocket rocket.

HERE’S MARKY

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

inside you are two wolves

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”