Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.