Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?