Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
How does one answer this?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin