Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Rather alarming headline…
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve