Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear