Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Creepy-crawlies
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
the clam before the storm
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.