Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.