Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.