Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain