Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
🤣
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought