You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.