them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]