them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Friend: *crying* Iβve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
itβs time for sharks to evolve again. itβs been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I donβt know how I gained weight.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“Wait, let me explain..”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta