Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Simple enough.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.