Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
Here’s a meme
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.