Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
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My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets