Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there