Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
😂😂
Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.