Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds