Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.