Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

I’m literally crying

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

He is just living hist best little life 😊

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”