Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
You Might Also Like
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
😂 amazing answer
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?