Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet