Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
i really liked this one
incredible text to wake up to
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.