All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Natty or not?