Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
We’ve come full circle
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
can’t bark with your mouth full
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name