Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.