Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
(more comics:
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.