Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”