Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You Might Also Like
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I love the National Park Service.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball