Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere