Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

cat vs inanimate object

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”