Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
You Might Also Like
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
💀😭
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven