Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.