Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Me when my alarm goes off

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here