Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.