Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
This could be us but you eatin’
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Attention children:
Mom is closed.