Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
You Might Also Like
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
This one, by a wide margin
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all