Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Always
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.