Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”