Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
This dude got his own movie?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????