them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.