Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

“We will wed,” I threatened

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*