them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
True freaking story!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
PER MY LAST EMAIL
