Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop