Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.