Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
You Might Also Like
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
This makes total sense…
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
PARKOUR
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you