Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?