Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Order here:
More here:

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥