Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.