Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

This is always good for a laugh.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.