Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
(True)
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.