Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth