Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
bros in the example zone 😭
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.