Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
¯_(ツ)_/¯
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T