Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.