Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
