Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

i’m so sick of this guy

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.