I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Lmbo
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Every house has this drawer
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Love this guy
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters