Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.