Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

October already? What’s next? November????

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Raisins are grape jerky.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]