Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

listen closely

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.